While documenting my past months, I figured that something is awfully wrong. Yet again, yes, but please bare with me as I try to formulate an idea whilst we go along. I often fantasize about being happy and, as often as that, I feel rather stupid and delusional. What are we if not beasts of burden, so lonely in essence, damned to carry a product of our own: joy and see it for more than it really is, just a joyful sound that three letters produce when spoken. When you finish repeating this sound loudly, please carry on reading. In desolation I sought happiness and I was led astray. Joy or happiness is something for which we constantly change meaning, thus it does not exist or it merely exists in the sense of the absence of sadness. What is joyful today can easily become sorrow tomorrow. What is happy tomorrow could have, just as easily, been sad yesterday. This concept is a measure of activity, something we produce and give meaning to, in our own subjective and temporary way, something that we need, something that we feed ourselves with and yet another plank in the picket fence that separates us from the beasts. Surely the donkey does not dress the clothes it carries and the ox doesn't eat the crops it helps plant. The opposite concept is a measure of a passive stance, thus is a measure of the essence of every human being.
I have agreed, a while ago, with the concept of life as a string. I simply added that the string is just the individual, subjective life which carries its course above and below perpendicular strings, parallel to other strings contributing to the braid: the objective, collective life - the universe. Before this, in the same line of thoughts, I have denied the existence of time as we perceived it and as we agree upon today, dismantling the concepts of past and future. Now the novelty - I came across this thought which incorporates both my previous statements as well as this change in perspective.
If each and everyone's string goes above and below perpendicular strings in order to create the braid, then I could deduce three things, each derived from the above one:
- Each string depends on the other strings, everything is interconnected.
- Each string is influenced by the relationship it develops with another string (a perpendicular string which goes above and below it).
- Each string is constantly respecting the above and below movement thus creating repetitive patterns which describe a sinusoidal shape.
- Time constantly repeats itself in a perpetual present, in a loop (already stated above and before, I tried to offer additional explanations).
The idea I wanted to reach and the idea I would like to insist on is, clearly, the third idea. I never liked the concepts of reincarnation or of life as a loop because it created certain paradoxes in my braid. For example, if a braid was to be in a loop, it could never evolve or constantly produce itself, thus demolishing the concept of the braid entirely. But looking more into the details of the braid, the basic element - the string - is, in its perfection, a loop. Considering the tip of the repetitive pattern in the sinusoidal shape as one point on this loop, the bottom of the same repetitive pattern would be the antipodal point. In other words, the repetitive pattern in the sinusoidal shape has the same tip and bottom every time making it easy to consider this repetitive pattern as an unfolded loop. But, just as a thought, - something else that bothered me while considering the ideas of reincarnation or looping life mentioned above - what is in the center of the loop? What is the loop filled with? Following another mathematical concept, between each two points there is an infinite number of points, thus making it impossible for the center of the loop to be empty. Why this vast emptiness, in larger quantities that the loop itself? I will not answer all these questions. Instead, you have the option to send your own thoughts below, whatever they are.
Having said that, what that this all mean? How have I reached this conclusion? I believe, based on what I have experienced until now, that in the course of a string we constantly evolve according to the connections we make and the relations we develop, but that we will always be variating between the tip and the bottom of the pattern. We will pass through numerous instances, we will acquire massive amounts of knowledge or understanding, we will modify our core and restructure our whole system of values and beliefs. We will constantly change only to fundamentally fluctuate between the same two constants: the tip and the bottom of the pattern only to finally close the loop and start all over again. You will, at some point (tip), return to something that you have believed in, to someone that you have loved, to something that you have cared about, to a tune that you have danced on, to a movie that you have enjoyed watching to one of these or all of these that, at another point (bottom), you will find useless, futile, worthless or simply forget about them.
However, I still cannot end this any other way than the way it will eventually end. I realized that no matter how much you have acquired, no matter how much you have learned and gathered, once you return to that thing of yours or, more importantly, to that someone you have always kept closest, you will come across a situation that you could solve as a different person, but the way of things inherits your past weaknesses or mistakes that stopped you in the first place to complete you wishes or desires.
